Blogging had originally taken a backseat to all of my other pursuits. At this point, it's getting kicked out of the car:
violin
sprinting
writing
drawing
graphic design
work
school
exercise
ruby on rails
php
css
snowboarding
motorcycles
sakura con coordinating
videogames
anime
manga
Seriously, blogging? Who the fuck has time for this? Life's too interesting.
9.17.2008
8.17.2008
Success
I spent my whole summer counseling the counselors, helping those who help others, and accomplished some pretty amazing things. The entire time I spent at camp was a larger puzzle made up of a myriad of smaller ones, where, when solved, everything locked into place and revealed to me the fact that in some ways I don't have limits. (Other people do have limits, a lot with ones that are easier to reach than mine, but that doesn't mean they don't try as hard as they can, and this I can fully understand now.) Without the mental weight of self-imposed limitation, I was able to wake up every morning not knowing what the day would bring but knowing that I could handle it impeccably. I already knew this to some extent, but it was nice to get an affirmation.
Working within the chaos of others, however, isn't going to get me anyplace I want to be. I know now that working under others in such a creative, powerful capacity has an inevitable rushing climax; when I am vital to a system, being susceptible to others' faults and flaws creates a combustion so spectacular that everyone involved can't help but be affected. This particular one was a learning experience for many, even if those above can't grasp the situation at hand. I wish could say that I'm never going to place myself under people who have a final say in my fate, but I don't yet have the tools to do so. (I have a very firm short-term plan now, and am more than capable of going through with it.)
For now, I get to relax and reflect on a road trip, lost in space and time with no itinerary. Cursing myself yet again for not owning a camera.
Working within the chaos of others, however, isn't going to get me anyplace I want to be. I know now that working under others in such a creative, powerful capacity has an inevitable rushing climax; when I am vital to a system, being susceptible to others' faults and flaws creates a combustion so spectacular that everyone involved can't help but be affected. This particular one was a learning experience for many, even if those above can't grasp the situation at hand. I wish could say that I'm never going to place myself under people who have a final say in my fate, but I don't yet have the tools to do so. (I have a very firm short-term plan now, and am more than capable of going through with it.)
For now, I get to relax and reflect on a road trip, lost in space and time with no itinerary. Cursing myself yet again for not owning a camera.
7.28.2008
Mental Entrails
He put his arm around Sarah and his lips tugged themselves up into an involuntary smile. An eerie calm spread through him. It all finally made perfect sense to him: none of them really wanted to be doing the things that they did. Sarah didn’t really like him, she was just spending time with him until she got used to him enough to date him. They’d probably find a few minutes between classes to spend together, hang out during free time in the evenings. She’d pretend to be colder than she really was so he could make a show of giving her his jacket, he’d buy her things she'd dropped hints about desiring. Eventually, Sarah would get drunk at a party and make out with someone they know, or maybe Danielle would finally come onto him and he’d take her up on the offer, and Sarah and he would break up in a drawn-out series of public arguments until one of them sealed the deal in a fit of forced frustration.
It was all intentional, he mused; every single decision to feel a certain way or to react a certain way. All of them chose to be the way they were. You just say all of these things and make all of these choices over and over again until revulsion turns to discomfort, and discomfort turns to indifference, and then you maybe even become convinced it’s better this way, that maybe this was the right thing to do after all. No one really enjoys it, but this is just how things are, and everyone had come to an understanding of this but him. Yes, everyone else had already thought this through. It was evident in the way they gave in to each other so quickly, putting on little shows of resistance or embarrassment. They were all just getting used to things being this way, acquiring the taste of being an adult.
His smile still firmly tucking the corners of his mouth into his cheeks, he squeezed Sarah against him and took a long pull from his beer. The bitter, malty flavor on his tongue made his jaw tense, but he managed to force out a sigh of feigned refreshment, in turn making his smile harden. Eventually he would be used to the taste, and be able to drink it as easily as Sam. He would get over his mild repulsion of how cruel Sarah was to her friends and be able to kiss her easily, put his lips on the same mouth that had just minutes earlier been slinging all kinds of lies at Danielle. Yes, yes. Other people are an acquired taste.
Sarah tilted her head up at him and stood on her toes to murmur into his ear. "Do you want to go somewhere else?"
"Yes," he said. Do it, something told him. The choice has been made. Do it and don’t look back. "Let’s go over there."
7.04.2008
Pouring Out
In much the same way that remembering something alters the memory itself, looking for equivalencies between a person or relationship situation that is known and external persons/relationships alters the memory structure of the known person or situation. It is a mistake to go looking for similarities in this way; it clouds what is known with information that has no place being associated with the subject in question, yet this method of relating how one relates with other people to how the rest of the world relates with other people is so far-reaching that it's become entrenched in how people get to know each other. Relationships are formed off relations with fake pretenses. Even worse is relating real people and situations to fake ones, or snippets of a perceived person or relationship without knowing the whole story. If all else has fallen away and the truth stands alone, then the person, the relationship is its own microcosm, and cannot be touched. To tie it down with the weight of anything else is a fool's game I refuse to play.
I had the pleasure of listening to someone play their violin for me. They chose Kreisler's Prelude & Allegro, and from the moment bow touched string, that hot feeling like butterflies in my chest rose inside me and nearly made me cry. When he finished the final bars, my cheeks were burning like a shy little girl surprised with a kiss. He entrusted some sheet music to me, stuff I can't imagine being able to play yet, but reading it is slowly becoming easier. I'll be tackling some of this while I'm at camp later next week.
How grateful I am to be strong enough to peel away all of the excesses and stab right into the core of music, let alone everything else. I am able to feel again in my own bright, beautiful way. The writing comes as well, in its own time, and with its own expertly enunciated melody. Another story forthcoming, before the next session of camp starts.
I had the pleasure of listening to someone play their violin for me. They chose Kreisler's Prelude & Allegro, and from the moment bow touched string, that hot feeling like butterflies in my chest rose inside me and nearly made me cry. When he finished the final bars, my cheeks were burning like a shy little girl surprised with a kiss. He entrusted some sheet music to me, stuff I can't imagine being able to play yet, but reading it is slowly becoming easier. I'll be tackling some of this while I'm at camp later next week.
How grateful I am to be strong enough to peel away all of the excesses and stab right into the core of music, let alone everything else. I am able to feel again in my own bright, beautiful way. The writing comes as well, in its own time, and with its own expertly enunciated melody. Another story forthcoming, before the next session of camp starts.
6.30.2008
12 Years Old
Me: Jackson, you've totally got this.
Jackson: I don't know, I can't. It's too deep.
Me: Look, I'll do it with you. *rips off shorts and stands at the edge of the dock*
Jackson: I've done this before three times! Why can't I do it now? You go first.
Me: *jumps in, treads water* Ok, your turn.
Jackson: Nnn...
Me: You've been in the water before, you know you can do this.
Jackson: I know.
Me: Ok, on the count of three, you're gonna scream "This is Sparta" and then jump in and swim the test with me, ok?
Jackson: Ok.
Me: One, two, three!
Jackson: THIS... IS... SPARTAAAAAAA! *runs and jumps*
Jackson: I don't know, I can't. It's too deep.
Me: Look, I'll do it with you. *rips off shorts and stands at the edge of the dock*
Jackson: I've done this before three times! Why can't I do it now? You go first.
Me: *jumps in, treads water* Ok, your turn.
Jackson: Nnn...
Me: You've been in the water before, you know you can do this.
Jackson: I know.
Me: Ok, on the count of three, you're gonna scream "This is Sparta" and then jump in and swim the test with me, ok?
Jackson: Ok.
Me: One, two, three!
Jackson: THIS... IS... SPARTAAAAAAA! *runs and jumps*
6.28.2008
The Beauty of the Ghost in her Machine
Someone who knew what they were talking about when they said it once told me this: "Life is too unique to be communicated." I have come to know what this means and only wish I could share these feelings and quirks of thought freely as all information should be free. Struggling with inadequate words is as close as I can come right now. I'm hoping in the future to be able to add music to this, very much so in fact, and delight in every second I get to press the small pads of my fingertips into the strings of my violin.
"May those who accept their fate be granted happiness. May those who defy their fate be granted glory."
These words are beautiful to me: my happiness is separate from my glory, and I am most definitely in the latter part of this segregation. I'm not quite sure glory is the proper term; it's that feeling of knowing you've begun to succeed and are continuing to accomplish what you've set out to do, that sense of knowing you're doing well and bringing your true A-game to the table. I don't think happiness as it's generally defined by society has anything to do with that feeling of mine, that glory or pride or whatever you want to call it. I have associated conventional happiness with a blithe, flippant way of living that I have come to understand intimately and have rejected for myself. I have no problem with other people living their lives this way, but it is most certainly not the way I'll be living mine.
For me, true happiness is that pure feeling of being filled up and whole from accomplishing what everyone thought might not be possible, and the conventions of plebian happiness has nothing to do with it. When I first heard that quote, it summarized in so few words how I see the forks in the path at every moment, in every day, and what each gives to those who follow. The path of the "good enough" way of living is the first part; it's everything I don't want this life to be. To accept where I am, say that this is good enough, fine with me, don't know don't care... It's disgusting. I really can't stand to be around people who have that settling feeling about them, the ones who don't want more than they can easily reach from where they're already standing. There are plenty of people like that here at camp, but at least they're not entirely complacent; a lot of them came here looking for something they're not going to find.
The path of the struggle, the fight, the hunt, that's what I want. Every second of every day that I get to fight against all odds, against fate itself to push harder, get stronger, faster, smarter, this is MY happiness. This is my glory, defying my fate. I take so much joy from having to put every fraction of energy and skill left in me to get toward what I want that I cannot be happy with that pedestrian happiness. It's not enough for me to be happy like that because it is not my passion. My passion is fighting circumstance and restriction. To push outside of every known limit is what I want more than anything. (On that note, I can't wait for the Olympics to start. :x)
Setting attainable, concrete goals for my large pursuits are useless to me and I have reiterated this time and again during training here at camp; having goals in that fashion would mean I'd have an end point I actually intended on reaching. It's better to shoot for the far reaches of the universe into the unknown. I fight for stars so far away that I don't readily know I can accomplish the Herculean task I've set in front of me, but living that way provides me with so much motivation and energy I don't know how to possibly use it all up each day. It's that fire inside that kept me going through grade school and it is that very same fire that has comforted me and supported me through everything. I hold my own hand, I pull myself up.
After thinking about it for some time, I am not here to be around these people, I am here to be in this place. I am not under the delusion that there are the same type of people at camp as I am. Everyone I've talked to so far has shown an admiration for my fury, but no understanding of it. (I can't count how many times I've been asked where I get my motivation from. What kind of question is that? It's self-evident.) Camp is full of fucked up challenges, irrationality, mind-numbingly irritating personalities, closed-minded management and one-trick ponies. If I can blaze a path through it all using everything I've got, I will come out on the other end having won my battles and able to declare victory over anything that tries to stand in my way from here on out. I am again learning how to fine-tune a masterful balancing act, but this time it's not vindictive and it's not mean-spirited; it is the simple, infinitely complex art of maneuvering (not unlike Go). Nothing is going to stop me, no one is going to keep me.
I feel like I've suddenly become able to see different colors again, the ones that had been there the whole time, but ones that normal people can't see. The world is vivid and bright to me, rich seams of hues seen by a select few. I take delight in being able to experience it, and pause to take it all in from time to time as a reminder.
"May those who accept their fate be granted happiness. May those who defy their fate be granted glory."
These words are beautiful to me: my happiness is separate from my glory, and I am most definitely in the latter part of this segregation. I'm not quite sure glory is the proper term; it's that feeling of knowing you've begun to succeed and are continuing to accomplish what you've set out to do, that sense of knowing you're doing well and bringing your true A-game to the table. I don't think happiness as it's generally defined by society has anything to do with that feeling of mine, that glory or pride or whatever you want to call it. I have associated conventional happiness with a blithe, flippant way of living that I have come to understand intimately and have rejected for myself. I have no problem with other people living their lives this way, but it is most certainly not the way I'll be living mine.
For me, true happiness is that pure feeling of being filled up and whole from accomplishing what everyone thought might not be possible, and the conventions of plebian happiness has nothing to do with it. When I first heard that quote, it summarized in so few words how I see the forks in the path at every moment, in every day, and what each gives to those who follow. The path of the "good enough" way of living is the first part; it's everything I don't want this life to be. To accept where I am, say that this is good enough, fine with me, don't know don't care... It's disgusting. I really can't stand to be around people who have that settling feeling about them, the ones who don't want more than they can easily reach from where they're already standing. There are plenty of people like that here at camp, but at least they're not entirely complacent; a lot of them came here looking for something they're not going to find.
The path of the struggle, the fight, the hunt, that's what I want. Every second of every day that I get to fight against all odds, against fate itself to push harder, get stronger, faster, smarter, this is MY happiness. This is my glory, defying my fate. I take so much joy from having to put every fraction of energy and skill left in me to get toward what I want that I cannot be happy with that pedestrian happiness. It's not enough for me to be happy like that because it is not my passion. My passion is fighting circumstance and restriction. To push outside of every known limit is what I want more than anything. (On that note, I can't wait for the Olympics to start. :x)
Setting attainable, concrete goals for my large pursuits are useless to me and I have reiterated this time and again during training here at camp; having goals in that fashion would mean I'd have an end point I actually intended on reaching. It's better to shoot for the far reaches of the universe into the unknown. I fight for stars so far away that I don't readily know I can accomplish the Herculean task I've set in front of me, but living that way provides me with so much motivation and energy I don't know how to possibly use it all up each day. It's that fire inside that kept me going through grade school and it is that very same fire that has comforted me and supported me through everything. I hold my own hand, I pull myself up.
After thinking about it for some time, I am not here to be around these people, I am here to be in this place. I am not under the delusion that there are the same type of people at camp as I am. Everyone I've talked to so far has shown an admiration for my fury, but no understanding of it. (I can't count how many times I've been asked where I get my motivation from. What kind of question is that? It's self-evident.) Camp is full of fucked up challenges, irrationality, mind-numbingly irritating personalities, closed-minded management and one-trick ponies. If I can blaze a path through it all using everything I've got, I will come out on the other end having won my battles and able to declare victory over anything that tries to stand in my way from here on out. I am again learning how to fine-tune a masterful balancing act, but this time it's not vindictive and it's not mean-spirited; it is the simple, infinitely complex art of maneuvering (not unlike Go). Nothing is going to stop me, no one is going to keep me.
I feel like I've suddenly become able to see different colors again, the ones that had been there the whole time, but ones that normal people can't see. The world is vivid and bright to me, rich seams of hues seen by a select few. I take delight in being able to experience it, and pause to take it all in from time to time as a reminder.
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