Someone who knew what they were talking about when they said it once told me this: "Life is too unique to be communicated." I have come to know what this means and only wish I could share these feelings and quirks of thought freely as all information should be free. Struggling with inadequate words is as close as I can come right now. I'm hoping in the future to be able to add music to this, very much so in fact, and delight in every second I get to press the small pads of my fingertips into the strings of my violin.
"May those who accept their fate be granted happiness. May those who defy their fate be granted glory."
These words are beautiful to me: my happiness is separate from my glory, and I am most definitely in the latter part of this segregation. I'm not quite sure glory is the proper term; it's that feeling of knowing you've begun to succeed and are continuing to accomplish what you've set out to do, that sense of knowing you're doing well and bringing your true A-game to the table. I don't think happiness as it's generally defined by society has anything to do with that feeling of mine, that glory or pride or whatever you want to call it. I have associated conventional happiness with a blithe, flippant way of living that I have come to understand intimately and have rejected for myself. I have no problem with other people living their lives this way, but it is most certainly not the way I'll be living mine.
For me, true happiness is that pure feeling of being filled up and whole from accomplishing what everyone thought might not be possible, and the conventions of plebian happiness has nothing to do with it. When I first heard that quote, it summarized in so few words how I see the forks in the path at every moment, in every day, and what each gives to those who follow. The path of the "good enough" way of living is the first part; it's everything I don't want this life to be. To accept where I am, say that this is good enough, fine with me, don't know don't care... It's disgusting. I really can't stand to be around people who have that settling feeling about them, the ones who don't want more than they can easily reach from where they're already standing. There are plenty of people like that here at camp, but at least they're not entirely complacent; a lot of them came here looking for something they're not going to find.
The path of the struggle, the fight, the hunt, that's what I want. Every second of every day that I get to fight against all odds, against fate itself to push harder, get stronger, faster, smarter, this is MY happiness. This is my glory, defying my fate. I take so much joy from having to put every fraction of energy and skill left in me to get toward what I want that I cannot be happy with that pedestrian happiness. It's not enough for me to be happy like that because it is not my passion. My passion is fighting circumstance and restriction. To push outside of every known limit is what I want more than anything. (On that note, I can't wait for the Olympics to start. :x)
Setting attainable, concrete goals for my large pursuits are useless to me and I have reiterated this time and again during training here at camp; having goals in that fashion would mean I'd have an end point I actually intended on reaching. It's better to shoot for the far reaches of the universe into the unknown. I fight for stars so far away that I don't readily know I can accomplish the Herculean task I've set in front of me, but living that way provides me with so much motivation and energy I don't know how to possibly use it all up each day. It's that fire inside that kept me going through grade school and it is that very same fire that has comforted me and supported me through everything. I hold my own hand, I pull myself up.
After thinking about it for some time, I am not here to be around these people, I am here to be in this place. I am not under the delusion that there are the same type of people at camp as I am. Everyone I've talked to so far has shown an admiration for my fury, but no understanding of it. (I can't count how many times I've been asked where I get my motivation from. What kind of question is that? It's self-evident.) Camp is full of fucked up challenges, irrationality, mind-numbingly irritating personalities, closed-minded management and one-trick ponies. If I can blaze a path through it all using everything I've got, I will come out on the other end having won my battles and able to declare victory over anything that tries to stand in my way from here on out. I am again learning how to fine-tune a masterful balancing act, but this time it's not vindictive and it's not mean-spirited; it is the simple, infinitely complex art of maneuvering (not unlike Go). Nothing is going to stop me, no one is going to keep me.
I feel like I've suddenly become able to see different colors again, the ones that had been there the whole time, but ones that normal people can't see. The world is vivid and bright to me, rich seams of hues seen by a select few. I take delight in being able to experience it, and pause to take it all in from time to time as a reminder.
