I’m finding it a little odd that the small conversations I hold with people I don’t talk with often are unearthing the cores of some things I’ve been debating with myself.
(And then you say, “Like what?”)
That’s a less important question, as opposed to the one that needs to be addressed: “How so?” It had been through the vocalization process that my mind lead itself toward the answer. Not that I can’t do that in my own right eventually, on my own time, but the nearly insignificant interaction with another person allowed my mouth to say the words my mind has been struggling to produce.
It had been bothering me as to why I didn’t feel compelled to draw during class, or even when working on pieces of art for homework. Some small comments to Sarah — a little wave on the seismograph of my day — and all of a sudden I have the answer: I don’t want to draw real life as it is. A relief washes over me gently. Finally! I’ve figured it out, it’s been pinpointed. And, as a bonus, it makes sense; I don’t like writing real life as it is either. (Someone laughed to themselves at this, and I know who it was and why; trust me, I may have done it a number of times recently, but I certainly don’t enjoy it.)
However, I can’t say I’m no longer irritated. After that happened, the irritation was assimilated into my growing brain tumor of “I could do most of the things I’ve been studying in school faster and more efficiently — and probably even get more accomplished — by myself.” And as it grows, I’m obliged to put the thought under scrutiny, sample its truthiness and come to a conclusion. Right now, I’m leaning toward this growth being something of real weight, an idea that may indeed be true and if acted upon, beneficial in the long run.
Someone’s bound to say something like, “What, are you going to leave school?” No. Of course not. We’ll get to that later. I’m more concerned with rebuking the thought of, “But it’d be entirely upon you to get anything worthwhile done if you pursue something on your own, do you really have the motivation to do that?”
The answer is a succinct yes. In more words: one of the greatest struggles of being human is overcoming internal inertia. I intend on pushing myself as hard as is necessary in order to do so. On any arduous journey, there are many road blocks and setbacks that must be faced head-on and overcome if anything great is to be achieved. What’s more, it takes the same kind of motivation (not necessarily the same amount) to go to a university, put up with the incompatibilities, tune out the idiocy, and suck the marrow from your choice of fields. There’s nothing making sure that anyone’s actually accomplishing anything here; in fact, since so few have even attempted to define what accomplishment would mean to them, the majority are going through the dance-like motions of their day-to-day without listening to the music in their heads. Sure, I say to these people, make it look like you’re doing something worthwhile. I can see right through you, and it’s no matter for me either way so long as nothing you do affects me significantly. (Sidestepping swipes at my resolve is becoming an art unto itself.) If that’s what they’re happy doing, then by all means. And if they’re not happy, then why are they doing it, hmm?
I have re-realized that one thing which I so furiously upheld as a teenager: Who you are comes out in what you say, what you choose to do, and how you respond to given events and circumstances, therefore if you are not happy with how you are going about doing these things, then you change how you do them. You should present who you really are to everyone. If you cared about being this true self at all, you would show it through your actions and words. Those who don’t care, are content faking it, are too weak to say what they’re thinking and then defend it, it’s obvious what you’re doing and who you really are. This idea of being true to oneself is necessary in order to get to a place where you can accomplish what you really want. I will continue my support of this concept by holding it up to myself and everyone I know, and will not hesitate to step in when necessary.
As for the here and the now, why do I persist here? Why do I stay in college, knowing all of this? Lots of reasons, the sum of which has so far been enough for me to stay. A few of the more pertinent ones would be that as a writer, it is important for to have access to a wide pool of knowledge and potential interactions. Available to me are a dozen libraries, a gym, thousands of classes on any number of topics taught by researchers of every field; it’s enabling just being here every day. It’s also maintaining my razor sharp abilities to read other people and question their thinking (perhaps that someone laughs to themselves again) and to have mine questioned in turn. My choice to stay here has little to do with how many credits I have or whether I look marketable as a potential job candidate for X company. If I continue with my plan — that is, to craft myself — then anyone looking to hire someone that does what I do will plainly see that I am worth their time. The piece of paper I will get at the end of all of this will, among other things, grant me easier and longer access to international travel. All in all, if I plan my days just so, I should have ample time to pursue the things I want to outside of class, and in two or three years, I’m free to throw my whole self at this ambition of mine and unleash my wrath upon the “good enough” and the “I don’t care”.
Then there is the drawing, the writing, the web design, the violin, the physical ability, and all of the other things that I want to accomplish something in outside of my time spent in class. If I really want to achieve accomplishments in each of those pursuits, I will make the time and put forth the effort to get myself there. This will require me to completely dismantle my current beliefs on how my life should be structured when I take into account the chaos of my imagination. I have been treating it like it’s running the show for a very long time, but I aim to have an agreeable compromise between when it’s time to tap into the rich seam of my molten creativity and when it’s time to take care of my responsibilities. This will help streamline me to the point where I’ll have time for all of those activities, and in being able to actively build on all of them, will significantly lower my stress levels and allow me to enjoy myself instead of placing the heaviness of “why didn’t I?” on my already weighted mind.
Knowing that I know all of this thrills me, and doubly so when I began to work on all of these things, straining myself and feeling myself get stronger. It’s less than a month to camp now, my self-imposed endurance test. I’m excited to see how hard I can push myself, knowing that if I do have a limit, this would come closer to it than most other things I’ve overcome.
